I Hit My Head

It was a very long morning, we had all just commented on how tired we were feeling and what a struggle it had been to get into full work mode when it happened. See photo to the left, look how dangerous that appliance appears to be. Just sitting there, being all like yo Shellie you better watch yourself. Yeah, well, I will fridge, I will! Then I did not.

Shellie Moment: In my tired stooper I opened the fridge and some of my co-workers cheese fell out and being the responsible adult I have grown into I bent over to pick up said cheese. What you cannot see from that photo is that there is a table in front of the fridge and prevented a full range of motion that would have prevented this entire entry. I bent over for cheese and BAM fridge hit me square in the forehead. SQUARE IN THE FOREHEAD.

Fridge: 1 Shellie: 0

Life Lesson #4521: Always wash your hands

My mother works in infection control, she is also a nurse. Growing up we were constantly told to wash our hands. It is a general life lesson, wash your hands. I am not talking after using the bathroom, that is just an automatic that you should do, don't be gross. I am talking after handling raw meat, petting your sweet cat or dog, maybe some weird exotic pet, and especially after applying lotions or creams to your body. Helpful tip from me to you: when washing your hands use soap and rub your hands together for 20 seconds. You can sing twinkle twinkle little star or happy birthday and you're done!

I am back on the workout train, 5 days 6 workouts throughout October. hopefully I just melt away! I am not sure during which workout I did it, but I pulled a muscle in my shoulder and that is some painful business! I have been icing, taking ibuprofen, elevating, and keeping it as mobile as possible. Thank you Internet research!

Shellie Moment: Before I go to bed I have been applying an icy gel to keep the cold feeling going while I sleep. I was applying said gel all over the affected area instantly feeling icy relief. After said application I rinsed my hand with water. Just a rinse, yes that will remove all gel and icy material from application hand. I went back to the couch to watch some more television before bed. I was feeling fatigued and rubbed my eyes. Well that was stupid! Wait why is my eye cold, why is my eye cold!? Damn! Rinsing is not washing. After thoroughly now washing my hands, I rinsed my eye out. Do not rub your eyes! Just bad times all around.

Serious Case of Old Lady Syndrome

I am 28 years young. Trying to eat healthier and stay more active but I will never deny that there is a little bit of a couch potato inside me. Lately it has become quite the spud. Remember the days when you could stay up to all hours of the night, wake up early and still be a fully functioning member of society the whole day then do it all over again? I remember those sweet memories to. Head out and party until 2 am and wake up to be at work for 7, nap it off and do it all over again. Mind you I was never a wild party animal but I did have my hay day.

Shellie Moment: Now as a full blown adult with grey hairs and all i have a hard time staying up to 11 pm on a weeknight and celebrate what I like to call nap after work day every Friday. I am not sure if it was the terrible Calgary weather this week or just being down right tired but on Thursday this week there was a serious case of Old Lady Syndrome and I was physically in bed and asleep by 930 pm. I think grade school kids stay up later than that now a days! Not only that, Friday night I was ecstatic that Free Willy was on TV!! Wow am I old that I get excited about a movie on TV on a Friday night. Does that tell you how exciting I am? Well I am not exciting. At all. I could not even make it through Free Willy. I was in bed by 10 pm.

Wow am I cool!! NOT!

Make an Ass of Yourself

There will be no photos to accompany this blog and shortly you will realize why.  This year I was involved in a bus accident and it has resulted in lower back pain for the first time in my life. Not fun, I do not recommend it. I have been attending physiotherapy regularly for the past 2 months and have gotten used to how they do things. Let me introduce you to the routine:

1) I arrive
2) I warmly greet the friendly receptionist who returns with kind greetings
3) I go to the back area and claim a bed while the physiotherapy assistant grabs me a robe
4) I change into the robe so that they can access my lower back without the problem of my pants
5) I assume the position laying face down with the robe neatly tied
6) the physiotherapy assistant returns and attaches a machine to my back that does things to it, tingly things
7) the physiotherapist arrives and does some poking around and some massage
8) get some ultrasound
9) change from my fashionable blue robe back into my everyday clothes
10) depart

Wow that is a good solid 10 steps, not as good as 12 steps but those people have much more determination (and good on you). I was in the midst of step 7 when it happened. I just need to make it clear that while I tie the robe and assume a face down position to receive the healing they quickly come in and untie my robe. Let's just say I always make sure I am wearing presentable under garments.

My physiotherapist is not shy about moving my under garments to fully access the area that is still in pain. I imagine in their line of work they have seen it all and I am inside a private curtained off area so I just let her do her thing. There is a very classy face hole in the bed so that I can breather in the assumed face down position. I spend more time talking to their shoes than their faces. I recognize both sets of shoes and know who is in the room even if there is no talking.

Shellie Moment: I noticed during step 3 that there is a new face and knew that they were doing some hiring recently so assumed it was the other assistant for the afternoon physiotherapist. No more thoughts about that. At this point my ass is mostly exposed, the robe is off to either side only remaining tied at the very top, after all I am allowed some decency right? That is when I notice it, there is a new set of shoes in front of my face. I see that her feet are smaller than I am used to. There is a new person in the room! All of a sudden a light tap on my shoulder and and the owner of the shoes introduces herself as the new student that is doing a practicum. "Well I am sorry you are seeing this side of me first, I usually like to meet face to face first and get comfortable." was my response.

I don't flash my bum for everyone, I like some eye contact first, I am a lady!

Another Blog About a Fart

I know you have all been asking yourselves why I have not written about a good fart lately. You are wondering if I have been keeping them all bottled up inside. In the dead of night you are kept awake haunted by the lack of fart blogs and hoping that one comes along. It is that magical day my readers.

Yet again, I am in the dating scene. I have been with this gentleman for a few months now, yes I have farted in front of him, not by personal choice rather my anus saw a romantic moment happening and decided to sing me a song of his people. Apparently my anus is a male. Enough with the word anus, oh my word Shellie where are you going. There was a minor tooting incident that was not really a Shellie moment just unfortunate.

Yesterday we had a lazy day planned, a Game of Thrones marathon on the couch during a rainy Calgary day. He slept in pretty late and I was about ready for a nap. I was going to lay down for a bit and told him to just pop over whenever he pleased, I leave the door open when I am expecting him. I could not sleep decided to hop in the shower so I would smell pretty for my gentleman.

You know at the beginning of a budding relationship where you still shave your legs to impress your other half? I still feel the need to shave my legs. So here I am shaving away, making myself all feminine like, instead of the hairy lumberjack I usually appear to be when I am single, and I fart. A nice squeaky fart, a good solid few seconds. It was a prize winning lady like fart. After all I live alone why wouldn't I fart in my shower? I bet you have farted in the shower before. Admit it!

Shellie Moment: I am clean, my legs are smooth, my fart is cleared. Turn off the water, remove excess water from my short locks, slide the shower door open and step out. Out of nowhere I hear "hi there". My heart sinks. I respond immediately with "did you just get here". Oh my lord, did he hear me fart? How long has he been there? Do I ask? Can I ask?

Moral of the story do not ask! Gentleman, if you are reading this never tell me if you heard me fart in the shower on this day and I will never ask you.

Measurements of Success

I am very proud to announce I have lost 25 lbs!I have to put a shameless plug in for Fitbody Bootcamp where I have been working out and mostly the reason for the weight loss.

I have a theory in life that if people just met my mother I would make a whole lot more sense. I fully believe that is where I get my potty mouth and crazy sense of humour. It was actually during a lunch with this crazy woman in which this Shellie Moment took place.

I recently changed jobs within the tourism industry and one of the perks in a salad bar in the food court. Now my mom and I bond over salad every few weeks because she is much closer to this job than my last one.

We have both lost a substantial amount of weight lately and were chatting about how we measure success. We are all taught that it is the number that counts, but let's face it, the number sucks and it is never what we want it to be. My mother goes by how she feels and how clothes fit. She has done such a great job losing weight and she looks fabulous!

Shellie Moment: I go by a different way. After University I finally got 2 tattoos I have been waiting to get for a very long time, two very sexy pin up girls by a very talented artist Peel Smith at New Dimension Tattoos. I hate pants. Since I live alone I do not have to wear pants when just hanging out alone. When I sat down my stomach would flow over my thighs and decapitate my sexy ladies. Now that I have lost weight I measure by the fact that my ladies are no longer decapitated when I sit. They can breath! It is a miracle! That is how I measure weight loss success.

There is Being Early and then there is Being EARLY

I decided it was time to get a doctor in Calgary. Driving out to Cochrane is cool and all but not very convenient for someone who lives and works in the city when the doctors office is only open until 4 p.m. Went for my meet and greet yesterday and discussed my very empty medical history, it was a very quick appointment. She gave me a sheet to go and get some blood work done and I went back to the office and responsibly made an appointment. I looked for availability today, May 29, and thought wow they have some spots that is awesome! I went for wings with a friend and stopped eating shortly after 7:30 p.m. since one of the tests was a fasting blood sugar test.

First of all, who designed these fasting blood tests? I would like to know the creator of such a cruel test. I made the mistake last time I had to do a fasting test of making my appointment in the afternoon. I had to endure an entire day of watching people eat delicious foods and drink delicious drinks while I sipped on my enticing satisfying ice cold H20. Oh yum! That taught me a lesson real fast, make the appointment first thing in the morning before temptation strikes. There is also no "second of all" coming so there really should have been no first of all, but what a dramatic effect it has eh?

Shellie Moment: Anyhoo. I woke up early, made it to the location with a few minutes to spare and approached the podium to check off my name and quietly have a seat. It is clear in the instructions that there is no need to check in at the desk. I know what to do, I am a pro. Where is my name? I do not see my name. I am standing at this podium for a silly amount of time and my name is not here. People are wondering if I am illiterate. The nurse finally looks up at me and here is how it went down:

Me: (seeing that the nurse has spotted my confused look) I made an appointment yesterday but I do not see my name.
Nurse: Do you have your Alberta Health Care Card? (of course I do and I hand it over) What phone number did you make the appointment under.
Me: (403-xxx-xxxx)
Nurse: You are on time but a week early, your  appointment is June 5 7:40 a.m.
Me: Well that explains it then. See you in a week.

I see a couple smiles around the waiting room because, lets face it, there are no secrets in the waiting room. There is some built in echo where every word bellows across the walls from one side to the other. If I had only actually read my confirmation email I would have known! Next week I will be right on time.

When Did You Take That?

Ever been around a photographer and not realize that you are in the frame? What I recently learned is that when you are in the proximity of photographers one should never eat.

Shellie Moment: I was recently at a celebration for Hotel Blackfoot's 40th birthday and there was food and drinks galore! It was a delicious spread, the renovations look amazing and all the staff is of course fantastic. We were given a tour of the kitchen and provided with more tasty treats as the photographer snapped memories. I would like to state, for the record, that I was in fact enjoying the food I had on my palette. It was delectable! I believe during these shots I was munching on a piece of steak drenched in mashed potato. I was a much happier Shellie than these photos illustrate. 

Nutella is the Nectar of the Gods!

I have noticed that in my posts I mention that I am on the get fit wagon and then off the get fit wagon. For the moment I on the fit wagon with success thus far and motivation!

I had a bad day at work yesterday. not so much a bad day but a bad end to the day. It was very frustrating and the walk home that took 35 minutes did not do much good in calming me down. This was a job for processed cocoa bean and heavy cream combined into one godly bar of feel good. Sad part was, I did not have any. 

I have been really good at not buying extra treats when I go grocery shopping. Just fruits, veggies and meat, nice clean eating. The only downside to this is when you want to eat your feelings after a bad day you only have carrots and lettuce. My feelings do not taste like rabbit food, they taste like chocolate. Sweet delectable chocolate.

Shellie Moment: I did cook a very healthy meal and it actually turned out! No bad cooking post here, until next time of course. Afterwards, I opened my cupboards with the desperate hopes that there was something in the depths to cure my ache for chocolate. A rogue piece of candy, a forgotten bar, anything! Then, like a beaming light, I saw the individual package of Nutella. The small package generally reserved for hotels and other restaurants was there for me in my time of need. The photos below are the best photo graphical representation of the scene that unfolded while laying in bed licking the Nutella out of the package.

This Blog is About a Fart

Check out how classy this place is

Ladies and gentlemen this post is indeed about a fart. The only word to describe this fart is magical, purely magical. My name is Shellie and I fart. Not much of a burper unless I am drinking pop. Generally when I am being hosted I try and control my farts, you know clench your cheeks to the best of your ability, excuse yourself to the bathroom and pray it is silent, or try and at least walk away if something slips out.  Every Sunday I join two very sexy men to watch the Amazing Race, now in season 22 if you can believe it. Tradition is during the first episode of Amazing Race we pick our teams and if your chosen team makes it the furthest you win dinner. Alternating weeks, this particular evening was being hosted at one their places. He has just moved in and there is still plastic on the floor from all the moving and padding in the elevator.

The padding is what made this all possible

Shellie Moment: I had been really good at the clench your butt cheeks technique during this particular evening. I was very relieved when I left and I want you know that I legitimately attempted to make it to my car before releasing the monstrous fart that had been building for the last 1.5 hours! As soon as the elevator doors closed it just happened, no effort or anything, the most glorious magical fart that elevator had ever heard. The acoustics were clear and sharpened the sound waves. It was like one of those sound effects you hear on TV it was that good. Pure magic. I just ooze sex appeal what can I say.

I Steal Candy From Children

Anyone who knows me knows that children and I do not get along. I wrote about my young niece and I finally being able to bond and share high fives now that she can talk in short sentences, not coherently but it is enough to communicate. If she understood what I did I am certain she would declare friends off. I know I would if I were in her position.

There is a tradition among my parents, godmother, aunt and uncle and others over Family Day Long Weekend. They all meet up in Edmonton for a weekend of gluttonous food and wine consumption. I have been trying to get an invitation to the exclusive event for years and gave up when I was told I had to have children to be invited. That is clearly not happening. Since my parents still have dogs, who are now grumpy, old and refuse to cuddle, I was asked to head out to Cochrane and dog sit for them. As the favourite child of course I agreed to provide this service for them.

What is it about going back to your parents home and conducting a cupboard raid? I am 28 years old and everytime I go back to my parents I go into the hall cupboard where all the snacks are kept. Does not matter if I am hungry or not. My mom has been out of town and my dad is not much of a junk food addict so the pickings were scarce. I went to the local Subway for a sandwich and when I was grabbing a plate I saw the potty training M&M's that are a reward for my niece at Nana and Papa's house when she successfully goes potty by herself. Scrumptious candy coated chocolate morsels in a desert of no deliciousness.

Shellie Moment: Of course I am going to eat some of these M&M's. It is going to happen. Chocolate does not get discovered and then left alone. What kind of person would do such a thing? Not me. I ate my tasty sandwich creation and put my plate away in the dishwasher like a good housesitter and daughter would do.  To ensure the integrity of the potty training M&M's remained in tact I went to the washroom, washed my hands and as a reward for doing it all by myself I retrieved a handful of potty training M&M's.

These are hers

Now she is protecting them

I Have to Remember I am a Lady

This does not happen very often. The actual occurrence of this supernatural event happens but once in a blue harvest moon. That's right folks I wore a dress, in public. For those that only know me through this blog wearing a dress is a big deal in my world. I grew up wearing mostly men's t-shirts and jeans so to be so very feminine is a sight to be seen. I shaved up my pretty pale Canadian legs and I put a dress on. Let me point out two things: 1) it was Valentine's day and it is a red dress and 2) Since I have been working out again and have lost 15 lbs I fit into the dress again! It was indeed something to be celebrated.

The dress that made it all happen

I am aware that I am single and it is almost an unwritten rule that single people must hate Single's Awareness Day. I do not. I love it! I wanted to wear red and since my curves snuggled ever so nicely back into the aforementioned garment that is what I wanted to go out in the world in. When I was getting dressed I realized that I no longer had a pair of stockings to cover up my freshly shaven Canadian gams. This is a predicament...

I decided that the dress looked long enough to cover tattoos on my legs and I would make it through the day without stockings. Granted it is not a short dress, but it is shorter than I would like without stockings. Just a personal comfort level is all. I think the 1950's had it right, all dresses just below the knee. Thank goodness for Chinooks though! It was not stupid cold in Calgary and I made it from the parkade to my office without losing a leg to frost bite. 

Shellie Moment: While in the parkade I found a spot that I could drive through and at the end of the day there would be no backing up just drive out in one motion. At the same time someone was coming from the opposite direction and parked right next to me, drivers door to drivers door. Welcome to the panic zone! I motioned to open my door first and won the race, that was a bad idea. Let's start there. Ok, think...how do I get out of the car like a lady without flashing the poor soul across from me. Stockings where are you now! I grab my bag so I can do this all in one motion, adjust my dress so it is back to an appropriate length and turn my entire body towards the door keeping my knees firmly clenched together. I will not fail. I will not fail. I will not fail. Clenching and turning was successful it was the upward heave motion to lift my body out of my vehicle that dashed the best laid plan. Heave...no. Heave...no. Screw this! I will not describe what happened next, but it was neither classy nor sexy. It was manly, oh so manly but successfully removed myself from my vehicle and made my way to work.

For those wondering what to do in this situation, should you be a hot mess like myself, I suggest this blog I found from 1968 about how to handle cars and stairs like a lady. If you need me I will be in the car practising.

I am not afraid of the dark, but...

I am a grown woman. I have not been afraid of the dark in a long time. I can successfully make it from my bed to my bathroom at 2 a.m. without hitting anything and without the guidance of any light. You might claim that is because I have successfully adapted to my surroundings, however I consistently leave a chair pulled out or move something slightly when looking for something else so the pathway to the bathroom is never identical. Yet I still make it. Every morning, without even opening my eyes I can hit snooze on the bothersome alarm clock 3 times before caving into it's expectation that I will wake and become a productive member of society for the day. I am good in the dark, when I know where I am.

I do not watch scary movies for the sole reason that they will give me nightmares. I am the person that sees scary creepy ghost on the screen and when I close my eyes there is scary creepy ghost in my head. I am not a fan. I like sleep over being scared 100% of the time. When I lived in Lethbridge I was conned in to seeing I am Legend featuring the always sexy Will Smith. You may be saying to yourself, Shellie that was not even scary. YES IT WAS! Things jump out of the dark and go boo. That is scary. I was living in a basement suite and it was past 11 o 'clock at night when I returned home. I have never been so glad that my dad, the smart man that he is, bought us all a flash light for our key chains so I could light up my entryway and ward off any evil zombies lurking. When I got into my apartment I slept with every light on.

Where am I going with this?

Shellie Moment: I was recently at Vertigo Theatre checking out their newest production Gaslight (running until February 24, 2013), which is amazing and you should go see it immediately, when I made a confession to a friend. I am not a big fan of that moment in any type of theatre production when all the lights go down and the entire room is now pitch black. I tense up and hold my breath. It happens every time! Maybe it is the crowd and not knowing my surroundings, but in those few seconds I am afraid of the dark. The worst part of it all is how often it happens during a production. The beginning, twice in the middle for intermission and the very end. What is with this dark form of torture?